the world blurring by like my memories of you
years of feeling my throat close, face heat.
why did it feel so good when you hurt me?
yet i drank it in,
secret pleasure in the numbering insecurities.
i was looking for love and i found you instead,
a half smile and biting remarks.
you led me through your door,
i left my innocence on the stoop.
i made room for you
inside me, bit my lips, held the words back,
scratched lines onto my knees,
all the while shrinking.
when did i get so small?
my clothes became tents,
a child playing dress up.
i always felt all of five around you.
your baby, said like it's something to be proud of.
i made space around myself until i was a mouse
you were a giant.
i remember the day you dropped me
at the library. told me to stay,
like a dog, until you finished your exam at four.
i waded into the stacks, left the whispering students,
page turns, and secret games of solitaire behind.
no one turned in my wake, i was a breeze,
semi translucent.
i found the furthest place to hide,
where the shelves were high
and there was nothing but a muffled silence
as the air swooshed through a vent.
it was the words of a thousand million voices,
rustling against pages in a hundred thousand books.
there was no you, sarcastic venom
dripping from your lips.
this time it was just me, filling up with words i didn't know i had.
my phone buzzed angrily, you calling me back to your side.
i didn't even think about it when i pulled off a book from the shelf,
put the phone in its place and walked away,
found a place to sink once more to the ground
not in ashes but in perfect repose,
to take in words of my own choosing
all the while reveling in this
deep silent moment
in a world full of new possibility
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