Today while working at the library on my 12am late shift I was
asked out. It was weird, out of the blue and touching. I'm not one of those who
gets that kind of attention, and if I do it usually comes in the creep variety
with leers and a really bad line. In those moment I usually fake that I have a
boyfriend or I'm studying that night, etc. This time was different though. I
guess in a shallow way, him being cute could have been a factor, and yet, how
he looked had nothing to do with why I'm still thinking about this hours later.
No, it wasn't what he looked like, but how he walked up to the
desk hesitantly, a little smile on his lips like he wasn't sure what he was
getting himself into. I was sure he had a question, something library related.
So when he asked me if I might like to go out for a cup of coffee sometime, 'if
I wasn't seeing someone that is?', well I kind of felt like I'd just taken a frying
pan to the head.
Here comes the part where I gush out, 'Of course!' and we run away
into the sunset and live happy ever after right? Well, not exactly.
I promptly flushed, probably resulting in my face turning a rather
unattractive mottled pink and told him regretfully that I was sorry
but I was seeing someone.
And I mean regretfully. Yes, I am seeing someone, that
wasn't a lie. And yes it's weird and complicated like most things in my life,
but that wasn't the reason. Well...not all of it.
I felt a regret almost painful as he turned bright pink and said
okay, have a nice night, a sincere regret coloring his tone. I felt it so
harshly, that regret, simply because right there, that guy, was a good one. He
didn't get flustered, he wasn't a creep, his eyes didn't roam, and he didn't
get surly or pissed the second it was clear I wasn't a marketable
object. He simply said have a nice night and I somehow felt sure that I was
watching the retreat of a genuinely great person that I wish I could get to
know, get to be friends with.
There are a million things in my life that support that the answer
I gave was the only one I could. I just finished my last class at this
particular university. I will be studying in a different country for the next
six months, and ever when I return I'll be living five hours away from where I
am now. All these things and more make even what I have now more complicated
than I ever wanted it to be. Realistically, there was no way it could ever be
sane or fair to add even one more friend to that crazy mix.
And yet. And yet.
I think about his retreating back, and wonder what my life would
be like if it could split in two different realities, one where I follow the
path I have chosen, one where I go the other way. Could my life be like one of the
books I read, where it is that easy to reach out a hand, make a friend, and in
turn change your life?
I won't ever know I guess, but somewhere between late shifts, book
stacks, and final exams, I'm still thinking about this one guy who asked me
out, and how I really wish I could learn what lights up his life and that
one thing that will always make him cry no matter how old he gets.
By Alissa Tsaparikos
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