So Much It Hurts by Monique Polak

I rate this YA novel 1.5 out of 5

Iris has everything straight and in order. Her grades, her acting, her job. She is playing Ophelia in her high school's production and she fits so well into the part she knows she can't be wrong about her destiny for the stage. But then she meets Mick and her perfectly ordered life begins to fall apart in the face of her love for him, and in the face of his anger that she can't seem to avoid. How many lies will she have to tell everyone before all is said and done? How many lies will she have to tell herself?
                SPOILER ALERT - MINOR PLOT DISCUSSION - proceed with caution

Before I really get into discussion I want to say I read the book all the way through and it was interesting. I think to a younger reader, especially female, it could be helpful in getting them to perceive that they are in a bad situation. Near the end of the book I wanted to know what would happen next, and read through it quickly. My problems lie in the telling of the story and character development primarily, and my thoughts on it are what follows. 

This novel covers the intriguingly taboo subject of romantic entanglement between a young woman, a seventeen year old minor in Iris's case, and an older man. Add to this equation Mick's propensity for violence and the book is a two in one for a bad news abusive relationship story. Most of the times this kind of gritty reality subject is arresting, upsetting, and deeply impacting for me as a reader. However I just did not feel it for this story and was rather disappointed.

Iris as a narrator bothered me. It was not just that she was weak and delusional about her own situation. Many women in this type of relationship have probably said and done the same thing she did throughout the novel. Perhaps this was the problem. This character was channeling so much of the overall voice of 'abused woman' that there was not enough room for her own voice to come through. As a character she just didn't seem very original. On top of this, whenever she made a step forward it always seemed manufactured so she could say just the right thing at the right time, a little speech about the situation, per say. I felt as if I was listening to the author preach rather than witnessing the character make any kind of development. 

Besides Iris there were plot holes that bothered me as well. The author often had the story jumping around, telling something that happened and then back tracking, or even just skipping bits that were less important. Whatever happened to Tommy after the whole 'first time'? I understood that Iris didn't care for him and that she broke things off with him, but I can't really believe he would just drop right off the earth like that. Especially considering his usage of the "L" word. There had to be some sort of awkward moment or even just some words exchanged between the two when she stopped seeing him. I sincerely doubt he would just stop calling. It seemed a bit strange that it was barely even talked about in passing within Iris's own mind. Surely it would have caused at least a little more thought.

Then there was the character of Mick, which made very little sense to me. Why in the world would he just pick up with Iris the way he did? As a high school student, albeit a pretty talented one, the risk would be too much with him in the middle of a custody battle where spousal battery was a prime concern. He was a brash, violent, conniving man. I understand that about the character. But pursuing Iris so determinedly when he knew nothing about her and had no reason to be interested other than thinking her hot just goes beyond believable stupidity for even this character. I could believe it if he had spent some more time around her, maybe saw her own attention to him for a bit and liked it. Then pursuing, no matter how stupid, would have made a bit more sense. But just out of nowhere? It didn't really fly for me. His other actions throughout the novel didn't make a lot of sense either. He could fly off the handle at the littlest thing and hurt Iris for it, and then it comes to a moment when she stands up to him and straight out accuses him well-deservedly, and he does nothing!? All his actions spoke pretty clearly that he would sooner beat her into submission than even take the slightest argument from her. I feel like the story tried to chalk it up to fear on his part, but I'm not sure that he would get that afraid of whatever prowess Iris had over him. Perhaps she had served her purpose to him, and now leaving the country she no longer mattered enough. Considering his obsessive controlling behavior over her throughout the novel though, that doesn't seem like it would be the case. 

There is mention of his affair with Iris's drama teacher, Ms. Cameron, but the time of that happening is never specified, only barely alluded to being before Iris took up with him. Did it happen before Ms. Cameron introduced him to the class? If so, was he making the moves on Iris before even closing ties with the teacher? If Ms. Cameron had already left him due to his HITTING HER, why in the world would she introduce him to a group of young impressionable teenagers, and then continue to let him be around them??? I mean she is shown to be a good teacher, but really? What kind of irresponsible idiot would do something like that?!? Then again I don't know how much stock I hold in her as a teacher since she introduced this man to her class in the first place, had suspicions of Iris's activity with him and said nothing about it save a few words to Iris, and then was supervising a party where there was obvious underage drinking as well as the smoking of weed. I mean there is the "cool teacher" and then there is the negligent adult. I don't have so much a problem with her being negligent, as I do with it being inferred that she was blameless in the situation. 

To top it all off the side story plot about the BIG SECRET that her mother was keeping was disappointing and vastly anti-climatic to me. I won't give anymore away than I already have, but I definitely don't think it was worth the suspense that was expended on it.

So all in all, I feel like the plot and characterization had a lot of potential but it didn't really reach any of my expectations of it as a story.